May 10, 2009 on 5:04 pm | In Madness | No Comments

Now that we’ve explained the voting categories, here are our top 6 Eurovision 2009 entries:

Moldova

Actually in 13th place in the full table, Moldova’s Nelly Ciobanu is our ‘wildcard’ entry into this ‘top 6′ because the song has the combination of a “Moldovan Tourist Board” video and a catchy tune that could see it pick up points.

They could do a better job of promoting their country though – you’d think it was filled with sheep

and valleys

but mainly with lots of men dancing

There is some footage of the band too:

But mainly its just LOTS OF MEN DANCING

I only wish I had made up some of those pictures – they were all from the video! Crikey.

Anyway that’s Moldova with the “so odd it might just win” entry.

FYR Macedonia

Moving on to the more serious contenders we have the longest named country ever, the Former Yugoslavian Republic of Macedonia. (Not to be confused with Italian fruit salad.)

The unfortunately named ‘Next Time’ are the strongest contenders in the category of ‘Aluma-rock’ in this year’s competition. They combine a moderate amount of rocking out with very bad hair cuts – most of the band are sporting what I can only assume is a tribute to Brian May circa 1975. The video is a bit hyperactive on the camera moves as well which is somewhat nauseating. The opening riff definitely makes me want to sing along – to ‘Born in the USA’ where it was clearly nicked from.

Bad hair:

Nauseating camera moves – note this one is NOT Photoshopped by me:

Oi! Director-lady-bint – stop flirting with your staff and SORT OUT these camera moves!

Oh gawd, there’s another one:

Eventually even the camera operator gets sick and they move the video into a faked up ‘concert’ with a few dozen people waving their hands around. You can tell its fake because its not full of irritating tossers taking out of focus pictures on their shitty mobile phone cameras and getting in your way. Possibly they don’t have those yet in the FYRM, or maybe they just aren’t inconsiderate gits like some people I seem to meet at concerts…

So that’s FYR Macedonia! Their strong alumarock credentials plus a half-hearted key change net them 5 points and put them 5th in our overall table.

Armenia

Inga & Anush represent Armenia with a combination of madness (check out the headgear) and a little bit of celtic mystic chords going on. Plus a dance! That you can learn! … or you may be forced to learn by their ‘dance army’… Blimey I just realised they hid a key change in there! I’ll have to update the scores again now…

Lots of extra madness points for the combination of JK and Orbital’s headgear and kazoos.

Obviously somewhat pushed for locations to film in, the producers bizarrely chose this under construction road overpass.

Although the message of spreading joy through dance is a positive one I can’t help thinking they’re forming some kind of sinister dancing army that will take over the world! I think I may have been watching too much Dr Who but that’s the impression I get from scenes like this:

Bulgaria

Krassimir Avramov’s entry for Bulgaria is called ‘Illusion’ and they really go to town on the mentalism in this one – I think someone’s been watching Terry Gilliam’s “Time Bandits” to be honest.

You know what it’s like, out for a quick ride with “the lads” in 13th century Bulgaria when you’re suddenly attacked by bandits…

.. and the next thing you know you’re surrounded by feaky children

men writhing on racks…

midgets and people on stilts…

.. but there’s a mysterious bint who beckons you on…

… and just when it seems your day is picking up…

It turns out you’re dead! Just typical.

Bulgaria’s heady combination of falsetto, pumping euro beat, dwarves, people on stilts and chainmail could see them heading for success! They’d certainly get a vote from me.

Netherlands

Rather bizarrely the Netherlands have a very, very ghey trio of men with dubious haircuts called “The Toppers” – the one in the middle reminds me of Keith Harris. Or Keith Barron. But it’s better than you might think! It’s irrepressibly jolly and ‘up’!

Their set looks like they’ve done a “Queer Eye” makeover of The Architect’s pad from The Matrix:

The trio are Jean Paul Gautier-a like with impossibly pale eyes…

Keith Harris / Keith Barron …

and someone who looks like a children’s TV presenter… perhaps a dutch John Barrowman?

The best bit, though, is that they have beams of light coming from their hands!!

Do you see what they’ve done there? Yes, they’ve taken their song title “shine” as literally as Pans People are are shining light out of their hands. Classic Eurovision. I can only hope they do this on the night with silver gloves and strong lights, or something. Otherwise it might fall a little flat…

Their main problem may be their name (as B pointed out “There must be a lot of arguments in the band, because they’re all toppers – no one wants to be on the bottom”). They’re equal first in our list with Montenegro!

Montenegro

Finally, our no 1 top tip for Eurovision 2009 is Andrea Demirovic, the maximum Stage Ghey entry from Montenegro. Stealing beat from the ABBA sound ‘gimmie gimmie gimmie’ and sounding fully like a gay club anthem, they’ve stolen from the best… then improved it with lots and lots of ghey gyrating.

Now I know what you’re thinking, but apparently she is a lady and not another ‘Dana International’… although if anything that would increase her chances of winning.

She is accompanied by a variety very, very ghey dancers. Check out the shorts…

You’re fooling no-one… feigning interest in ladies one minute…

Then the next your shirt just ‘happens’ to fall open…

… then the full ‘George Michael video’ effect takes hold!

You do have to wonder about the writer’s state of mind though… after spending the best part of three minutes exhorting us to “get out of my life” they end the song with “or just stay.” So get out… or don’t. You know, if it’s inconvenient. Or you don’t feel like it. Whatever. They’ve not really followed through on that have they?

So that’s the top 6. Dodgy block voting aside I would expect one of those to win!