Welcome – Bienvenu – Wilkommen – Bienvenido – Valkommen to Eurovision week!
This year the Euro-powers that be have helpfully put all of the participants’ preview videos on YouTube, or EuroTube as we are now calling it.
We have (painfully) watched all of the preview videos and (mostly) scientifically scored them to find you the best – and the worst – of Eurovision 2009.
But how do you score such diverse fare? We’ve taken inspiration from the BBC Culture Show piece Neil Hannon (of Divine Comedy, Father Ted and Tomorrows World theme fame) did a while back that stated his four golden rules of Eurovision.
(He also wrote a song that followed all these rules although that sadly has yet to be the official Irish entry.)
1. Have as many key changes as possible
Example: Bucks Fizz’s 1981 winning song “Making your mind up”
2. Use Celtic Mystic Chords that “don’t really know what they want to be”
A near perfect example of this is the 1996 winner for Ireland (who else?) Eimear Quinn – “The Voice”
3. A Meaningless Lyric Offends No-one
4. Rolling snare drums
Both rules are effortlessly embodied by 1965 winner France Gall – Poupée de cire, poupée de son
Bringing these rules up to date we’ve added three more:
5. Stage Ghey – essentially the ‘gheyer’ the song is, the better it does.
Azerbaijan’s entry in 2008 really can’t get much more Ghey – it’s a classic tale of good ghey angel verses evil ghey demon. How many times have we heard that story?
6. Madness!!! A rule oft overlooked by other marking schemes, the pure madness of some Eurovision entries just wins it for them.
The 2007 Ukrane entry Verka Serduchka – a kind of disco space nazi granny with silver hitler youth backing dancers – has ‘Stage Ghey’ and ‘Madness’ in abundance. Not a winner, sadly, as they were beaten by Jimmie Krankie lookalike Marija Šerifovic and her lesbian backing singers.
Another strong entry in the ‘Madness’ category from the same year was France’s “The Fatal Picards” with a Richard O’Brien lookalike with a cat stapled to his shoulder that he sings to.
7. Aluma-rock is a recent addition, after the surprise victory by Lordi in 2006 several countries have now taken on ‘rock’ and ‘metal’ but in a light way, hence Aluma-rock.
More an example of ‘proper metal’ but I can’t resist a video of 2006 Finnish winners Lordi and their ‘Hard Rock
Coming up in the next post – our top 5 (ok, 6) tips for Eurovision 2009!
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